Happy Medium Club: Volume 15
“You are simply too hot to fall for this.”
Hello, everyone. Great news! We reached 300 subscribers!!! And it’s all your fault!
Thanks to you, Happy Medium Club is now the world’s largest business in human history. Seriously, thank you for sticking around. We love you and we like you.
If you’re new here, subscribe! Subscribing automatically grants you a seat on our Board of Directors (our lawyer is going to be so mad at us for putting that in writing)1.
In HMC: Vol. 15, we’re discussing:
While you’re skimming, add to our collaborative playlist as the spirit moves you. We’re looking for songs that embody whimsical summer chaos. 🌞✨
FYI, this article might have some affiliate links from the Amazon Associates program and other online stores — which means we earn a small commission when you click on a link (at extra cost you). Holler with questions!
Captain 300
Getting to know our 300th subscriber.
By Joel and Dom
We’d like to introduce you to Victor, our 300th subscriber.
When Victor clicked subscribe, HMC officially became the largest newsletter in the world.
It’s our honor to officially award Victor the title of Captain 300.
With this title Victor is required to defend us from our enemies and be really nice to us all of the time.
Don’t drop the ball, Victor.
Q&A with Victor
Rank the following: Dogs, cats, kids, movies, music, phones, mountains, butter, birds, wifi.
Music
Kids
Movies
Wifi
Phones
Mountain
Dogs
Birds
Mountain
Butter
Cats
Favorite planet?
Namek.
Favorite wing sauce?
Asian Xing.
Hype song?
NASA by Dance Gavin Dance.
What prompted you to subscribe to HMC?
I was asked to check out HMC and proceeded to subscribe.
Favorite HMC article?
N/A
Least favorite HMC article?
N/A
What’s the most unhinged thing you’ve done recently?
[Redacted]
If you had your own newsletter what would you write about?
I would write about fashion and the impact of music on fashion.
Who would be your co-author?
What's something that makes you happy?
My friends.
What's something that makes you sad?
Hearing someone is going through tough times and can't see a way out of it.
Who wins in a fight a grilled cheese or a taco?
Taco.
Did we just become best friends?
No. Still building our way up.
Anything else you'd like to add?
I enjoyed answering this questionnaire. You had good questions
Thank you, Victor!
You are everything everywhere all at once. And thank you to our first 299 subscribers and all the friends (and enemies) we’ve made along the way. You all make this shit so fun. Cheers.
Taylor Swift
“Please pray I’m freed from this demon.”
By Joel Moisa
Normally, before I attend a concert I listen to the artist non-stop to make sure I'm familiar with all of their songs.
Before going to Post Malone’s show in October 2022, I listened to a playlist of his setlist so I could sing along.
In preparation for the Taylor Swift concert, I listened to her setlist like 50 times (it’s soooo long) because I didn’t want to be the guy who only knew five songs. Of course, that would be impossible because her discography is so huge and she has dozens of songs on the radio.
Generally, I refuse to listen to artists for a few months after seeing them in concert. But after seeing Taylor Swift in Nashville, I couldn’t stop listening to her music.
I enjoyed the concert. It was fun! But the lasting effect is a problem. I didn’t see it coming!!
I’m staying up late worried that she’ll sneak into my Spotify year-in-review Top Five Artists. But, I cannot stop listening. I’m constantly revisiting her Spotify page and randomly singing her choruses throughout the day.
Please pray that I’m freed from this demon. 🙈
A playlist of Joel’s top five Taylor Swift Songs:
Read more Taylor Swift stuff from HMC 💃
Sad about the Lakers. Proud of Nikola Jokic.
“Sports are dumb. Jokic is great.”
By Joel Moisa
“A Lakers sweep would suck.” A few weeks ago, I wrote a blurb about how a Lakers sweep would suck. It stayed in my drafts until, unfortunately, the Lakers were swept out of the NBA western conference finals.
I shouldn’t be mad at all, but the Lakers made me a believer. They gave me the hope that maybe they could win the whole thing if they got past the Nuggets.
Love is wild, but sports fandom is even crazier. It stings so bad to see this team who rallied for the last three months get demolished.
Nicola Jokic and the Denver Nuggets
The Nuggets are such a good team, and the Jokic/Murray tandem is going to be good for the foreseeable future.
I would not be surprised if he wins more than one championship in the next few years. Jokic found the dog in him.
The Nuggets have built an elite team around him and the team understands their assignment.
Like the other greats before him, I'm excited to see how NBA teams build their teams to defeat him.
10 Summer Grilling Tips
“Be an adult and get yourself some quality kabob skewers!“
By Samirah Swaleh
Looking to elevate your game this grilling season? Here are some summer grilling tips.
Summer Grilling Tip #1
I don’t care if the recipe says so or not, always reserve some marinade for basting during grilling. Do this when you’re about 5/6th the way through cooking. This is non-negotiable.
Summer Grilling Tip #2
If you’re a beginner or have trouble getting even cooking with whole meats, go for a kabob. Truly the easiest way to get evenly cooked meat that’s always juicy. Cut whatever you have into evenly sized cubes and put a stick in them. And don’t you dare—DON’T YOU DARE—use wooden kabob sticks (I don’t care if you soak them for 6 weeks, be an adult and get yourself some quality kabob skewers!!!!!!)
Summer Grilling Tip #3
Grill. Your. Fish. Just do it! Why are people afraid of grilling fish? Very bizarre behavior to continue pan frying or otherwise use kitchen appliances to cook fish in the summer. Nemo belongs skin-side down directly on your grill, all oiled up. Alternatively, throw your cast iron skillet on the grill or use one of those fancy fish baskets.
Summer Grilling Tip #4
Temperature, temperature, temperate. If you don’t have both a grill thermometer and a meat thermometer, go directly to jail! Do not pass go, do not collect $200!!!
Summer Grilling Tip #5
Grilling veggies is a must. But I challenge you to think beyond!!! Have some ambition! Grill your salads too! Rather, salad elements. Lettuce! Onions! Peaches! Zucchini! Tomatoes! Peppers! Mix/top them with your favorite salad fixings and dress with a yum yum vinaigrette. When the juice of your grilled veggies soaks through to your deliciously sweet yet savory dressing… oooooooooooooeeee!
Summer Grilling Tip #6
Don’t grill bok choy. I mean, like you can, whatever. You can cook it in foil. But whatever you do, don’t put it directly on the grill! It may seem like a good idea, kinda cute and quirky, like grilling lettuce. But I’m telling you from experience, the leaves burn. Like completely turning to ash in seconds. Don’t do it.
Summer Grilling Tip #7
Oil the heck out of your grill. This one is so obvious that it probably feels like it should be #1, but it’s almost too obvious to be #1, so I had to assign it an arbitrary insignificant number like 7. I baste my grates with oil AND spray the grill before throwing my food on. This skill is not for the faint of heart and it’s probably not advisable by experts but I choose to live free of fear. Before you wimp out of this step, ask yourself, is your fear of fire really just the devil inserting himself into your life like an obsessive, unhinged long-distance friend???
Summer Grilling Tip #8
Don’t let a man, any man, talk you into thinking charcoal grills are superior. You are simply too hot to fall for this.
Summer Grilling Tip #9
Don’t let a man, any man, take control of your grilling spatula unprompted. Tell him to bring you a Twisted Tea in a cute lil’ koozie with your dog baby’s face on it and stay the hell away.
Summer Grilling Tip #10
Let your meat rest.
Garden Updates from The Planterizer, Farmer Brown, & Dom
“I’d like to give these flowers a high five.”
By Dom Johnson
My mind is playing tricks on me. Yesterday, I woke up to the sound of a rooster doing its cocka-doodle-doo thing. We don’t even have a rooster (we have 11 hens).
The imaginary rooster showing up in my stress dreams is a sign of something I feared would happen and hoped would happen — I’m officially hyper-fixated on farming. Yay! Also yikes.
What’s new on the farm?
Baby Cucumbers
Farmer Brown/my dad oversees the fruits, vegetables, and chickens. This year, he’s added a few new faces to his usual lineup. I guess you could say he’s branching out hehehe.
Anyways. We’re growing cucumber for the first time. Even though it’s early in the season, we’re already getting some cute little green baby boys.
The cucumbers are relatively small right now. But we’re expecting bigger boys as the season progresses. My dad is excited to concoct some homemade pickles.
We’ve also seen some impressive growth from our cherry peppers, cherry tomatoes, broccoli, herbs, and our various fruit trees.
Big ol’ trees
We’ve got a handful of trees: peaches, nectarines, plums, pecans, trees that smell weird, trees that smell good, stolen trees (more on that later), and other trees.
One of our healthiest citizens is this pear tree. Each pear is firm and fragrant. Since the time I took the picture above, the tree has produced a dozen more little baby pears. They’re tiny. But they’ve got their whole life ahead of them.
I haven’t eaten a pear since I was 2.5 years old. But every time I see a pear, I think about the pear-flavored popcorn from Genovia in The Princess Diaries 2.
This might be my favorite tree on the farm. I don’t know it’s species. But it’s got giant pink flowers, fragrant buds, and a noteworthy origin story.
My mom, the Planterizer, stole it from the Prayer Gardens at Oral Roberts University.
She was touring the gardens while visiting me at college and just leaned over and plucked a whole bunch of plants out of the ground, in plain sight, completely unbothered.
This is classic Planterizer behavior. I was so proud.
Here’s another botanical family heirloom. A yellow rose. It’s the official flower of my Dad’s fraternity from his days at Louisiana Tech University (where my parents met). He was the president of his frat and acquired a lot of cool black and gold memorabilia over the years—including a decorative paddle engraved with his frat nickname: Big Daddy G. Sweet.
We love Big Daddy G. Sweet’s yellow roses.
My personal favorites
I can’t stop thinking about my hibiscus plant. He’s everything to me. Every day, during my morning watering routine, I lean in close to the little guy’s giant red pedals and whisper: “Go off, king.” Seriously, check the Ring camera.
I am also obsessed with morning glories. They are everything to me. I’ve scattered morning glories in several flower beds around my parent’s yard.
Right now, they look like aggressive climbing vines. They’re too young to start blooming. Soon, they’ll start looking like aggressive climbing vines with beautiful flowers.
My favorite thing about morning glories? They are evil. Their roots grow so fast, and so do their vines. The unhinged roots will suck up all the nutrients around it and the chaotic vines will grab onto whatever the hell they want. Aspirational.
Samirah’s hydrangeas defeat evil bugs
Check out these ✨enchanting✨ hydrangeas from Samirah’s garden in California.
A few months ago, the purple girlies were UNWELL. I would show you a picture but I don’t want to DISGUST you.
Worried the hydrangeas were past the point of no return, Samirah FaceTimed the Planterizer for guidance who immediately identified the culprit: spider mites.
She prescribed Captain Jack’s Dead Bug Brew to fight the bugs and revive the flower beds.
The hydrangeas bounced back!
Jo Ann/Planterizer is OBSESSED with Captain Jack for good reason. His stuff works. I mean look at these PURPLE GIRLINAS. They are no longer plagued by vermin and disease. They are happy and bright.
I’d like to give these flowers a high five. I’d also like to high-five every plant in my garden. God is good. So is Captain Jack. So am I!
That’s enough about plants for now.
Got questions/comments for the Planterizer or Farmer Brown? Leave a comment or DM us on Instagram.
Happy Bits
Harnessing the Sun in New Orleans
As we approach hurricane season, check out this NPR segment about how churches in New Orleans are using solar energy to transform their sanctuaries into “community lighthouses.” AKA when hurricanes knock the city’s lights out, these churches remain open to provide shelter, public health support, charging stations, etc. Great reporting about a great church.
Get the new Red Bull summer edition while it’s cold.
Dom and his mother (AKA The Planterizer) can’t stop drinking the new summer edition from Red Bull—Juneberry. Seriously. They cannot stop. It is so good. Someone talk them out of buying a couple 24-packs from Amazon. Please help.
Soak up the sun responsibly
You’re wearing less and going out more in the summer so take care of your body too! Our friends Iyanu and Danielle curated a few recommendations for you and your beautiful skin.
Shiseido Clear Sunscreen Stick (great for reapplying SPF when wearing makeup)
Now that your skin is fortified, romanticize your quiet life under the sun with a giant picnic blanket.
Watch some prestige television from the comfort of your swivel chair.
Beef might be the best show on Netflix.
Hell’s Paradise is so good. It’s an anime series from Mappa Studio — the folks who brought us Attack on Titan and Jujutsu Kaisen (one of Joel’s obsessions). Thanks for the recommendation, Dana.
Love Island UK is back! This means Dom has to mute [redacted] on Twitter for a few months. 😕
Meet the real-life coaches who inspired Ted Lasso. So wholesome.
Speaking of Ted Lasso… If given the chance to…you know what… would you?
Some random stuff we’ve purchased recently:
[Redacted] saw a dish rack on the West Elm website and got it on Amazon lmao.
Clean your AirPods, you sicko!
Seriously, if you have any plants (indoor or outdoor) in your care, don’t sleep on Captain Jack’s Dead Bug Brew. It works so well. And smells infinitely better than neem oil. You can find it at most home and garden stores.
Pro Tip: Add stuff to your Things I Want to Purchase deck before adding it to your cart to avoid compulsive online shopping hehe. I (Dom) just added this green IKEA storage cabinet to my deck. I’m obsessed with green furniture.
Thanks for hanging out with us.
It really means a lot. We’re having so much fun. Hopefully, you are too. Who knew running the world’s largest newsletter would be so easy?
We don’t technically have a lawyer because every time we refer to [Redacted] as our general counsel she vehemently tells us that she is, in fact, not our lawyer in any way at all. One day, she will come around.