Happy Medium Club: Volume 25
“What the heck is this?!”
Hey! You look nice today!!! And your vibes are especially great. Love that!
We’ve cooked up some cool stuff for you in HMC: Vol. 25, including:
Weird ads from Amazon
Hot girl lemonade
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (HMC’s version)
A book review
Jo Ann Johnson’s eclectic work history
Have fun skimming! And please bless our collaborative Spotify playlist with your incredible vibes and immaculate taste. 😌
If you’re new here, welcome to our island of toxic positivity. Stick around! Be our friend! Subscribe!
Sneaky Amazon Ads
“If you’re reading this, please leave me alone.”
Joel Moisa
Amazon’s marketing department is reaching a level of evil I didn’t think they were capable of. Their sneaky little ads have invaded my Instagram feed in a way that feels illegal.
Here I am mindlessly (and senselessly) scrolling when I come across an ad that stops me dead in my tracks. I sit for a moment, confused, wondering how this could happen to me!?
I think to myself: “what the heck is this?!”
This leads to an internal conflict about whether or not I should click the ad and figure out what the item is and how it relates to me.
At first, my curiosity got the best of me, and I succumbed and clicked a few of the ads. Now, I scroll as fast as possible to avoid potential confusion.
Amazon marketing staff, if you’re reading this, please leave me alone.
Give me normal ads that relate to my shopping lists and not small gadgets that seem to create a need for something I didn’t know I needed!
Hot Girl Lemonade
“However you want it.”
Samirah Swaleh
If you’re ready to graduate from lemon water and embrace the vintage, this blueberry chia seed lemonade is the perfect springtime treat. It can be made 🎵 however you want it 🎵.
Directions
Add one cup of water and one cup of sugar to a saucepan and bring to a boil.
Add two cups of fresh blueberries and cook on low-medium until they begin to soften.
Then, I take an immersion blender to my blueberry mixture and blend it until its almost entirely smooth. However, you can simply pop yours in a blender or food processor, if you like your lemonade less pulpy.
Stir in 1/4 cup of chia seeds (a fantastic addition to elevate your lemonade and provide a natural energy boost).
Turn off the heat and allow the mixture to cool. Taste-test your blueberry mixture for desired sweetness.
Add 2/3 cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice (or to taste). Then, mix in 2-3 additional cups of water. Taste test and add more as needed.
Serve shaken and over ice.
Or strain pulp and serve shaken with whiskey over ice.
OR mix with equal parts freshly brewed iced tea (again, serve over ice 😉).
Variations
I like mine thick, chunky, and seedy in the midafternoon, and in the morning mixed with freshly brewed iced tea.
My h*sband strains his, pops it in a shaker, and adds a shot of whiskey.
Not a whiskey fan? Mezcal and Blackberry make for a fantastic combo. Or rum with pretty much any combo of the above and fresh mint, amazing.
If you’re opting for a natural sweetener, I’d recommend agave. If you’re looking for a no-calorie option, try an equal (or slightly less) measurement of Stevia.
Can’t find blueberries in the fridge? You could also make this with muddled blackberries or raspberries. This recipe would also work with frozen berries if needed.
Fan-Casting Our Moderately Evil Exes
“He’s a great guy but he spilled ice coffee on my friend during the benediction.”
Chelsea & Roger
We’d like to introduce you to ourselves: Chelsea and Roger! Hello!
One of our favorite pastimes is reminiscing about our ex-lovers. (“Ex-lover” is a loose term, and it includes everyone from former boyfriends to former crushes).
If, for some reason, a major film studio decided to produce a spin-off of "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" centered around our most memorable ex-lovers, that would be quite strange. Nevertheless, we've put together a list of our dream actors and the roles they would play.
We used fake names for obvious reasons.
For additional privacy, some details may be altered — but overall integrity remains.
Michael Cera as “Guy with the Iced Latte”
Superpower: Spilling iced coffee.
After going on a few dates with this gentleman, he joined me and my friends at church. He’s a great guy but he spilled ice coffee on my friend during the benediction. The spark was gone.
Michael Cera would do a great job, muttering: “Oh yikes, my bad. Uh oh. I’m so sorry. Let me— excuse me let me just squeeze on by so I can grab some paper towels.”
Sarah Sherman as “Girl Who Facebook-Stalked me on her Flip Phone”
Superpower: The audacity.
I worked with this girl. She was really cute, and I could see myself catching feelings. After a few weeks, we traded phone numbers, and later that evening she texted me the lyrics to “Hey Soul Sister.”
Hmmm….
The next day at work, I glanced at her phone screen and noticed her screensaver was a picture of my face. Like… a picture she took of my Facebook profile on her computer screen with her flip phone. The spark was gone.
Facebook Flip Phone Girl kinda gave off the same energy as Sarah Sherman roasting Colin Jost on the Weekend Update. But instead of roasting, she’s love-bombing.
Logan Lerman as “Snack Guy”
Superpower: None.
I was in a long-distance relationship with this guy who would mail me snacks every other week. Really spectacular relationship as someone who loves gifts and was exceptionally broke. Who else than the perpetual “white boy of the month” to play this gem of a man.
(I’m speaking very highly of someone that I have blocked lol).
Noah Centineo as “Bicycle Boy”
Superpower: Smiling.
I had a big crush on this guy in college, so I made up a full-fledged fictional relationship with him in my head. One time I saw him checking his reflection in the window, and he looked so cute tousling his hair. I mean this lovingly, Noah would embody his wholesome himbo energy well.
Bella Hadid as “Party Girl”
Superpower: Intersectional feminism.
Someone invited this random girl to my birthday party one year and I fell in love instantly. Have we talked since that night? No. Did I see every aspect of her recent overseas sabbatical via her Instagram Close Friends Story? Yes, and I loved it. Idk I love Bella Hadid and I feel like she’s a girl’s girl, perfect for this role.
Billy Eichner as “Street Screamer”
Superpower: Screaming.
I was on my second date with this strikingly handsome dude. We had drinks at a karaoke bar, where he proceeded to sing three songs in a row. After a few more hours of Broadway deep cuts, I told him I was ready to call it a night. He started yelling at me as we walked to my car, saying it was rude to go home before the bars closed.
He paced several steps ahead of me with his arms crossed, while he continued to lecture me, accused me of choosing my family over him, and said I was doing the equivalent of standing him up. I drove him home, he continued to lecture me, and the next day, he texted me: “good morning handsome 🥰 had a great time last night. would love to see you again.”
Billy Eichner would do a great job in this role since he’s had a lot of experience yelling at strangers as he power-walks through the streets of New York City.
Dev Patel as “Mug Man”
Superpower: Producing ergonomic mugs.
We matched and before exchanging messages, I found his Instagram, where he reviewed various coffee mugs against characteristics, like handle shape, design, and other ergonomic qualities.
Obviously, this led to a whirlwind summer romance. It ended abruptly before we went back to school.
He had the overall sensibility of a middle-aged dad. But I feel like Dev Patel will really convey his whole person.
Daniel Kaluuya as “Birthday Person”
Super Power: Anxiety is scared of THEM.
On our first date, they told the waitress it was my birthday and proceeded to record the wait staff singing to me. They also laughed so hard at one of my jokes, they literally did a spit-take. Although that should have deterred me, we dated for several more months.
Daniel Kaluuya would be good for this role.
Charles Melton as “Crazy Rich Guy”
Superpower: Hiding in plain sight.
Very much in the vein of crazy rich Asians, I talked to this guy for a while, and it turns out he is a millionaire. Obviously, I was hanging out with him for what really mattered (his looks), but then one of my friends did a deep dive on Google and turns out he comes from a long line of political elites and industry tycoons. The year after our short romance fizzled, he was listed on Forbes 30 Under 30, and I’ve seen his big head tagged in the background of one of my favorite celeb’s IG posts.
In short, he really fumbled me.
Lakeith Stanfield as “Matcha Man”
Superpower: 10/10 matcha lattes.
Matcha Man made me the perfect oat milk matcha and I kept casually returning to the coffee shop until he asked me out. Unfortunately, the romance did not last because I impulsively moved out of the state.
We kept in touch for a few months and then three years later, I ran into him at a concert (in a city neither of us lived in). I asked him for his matcha recipe and he said “are you f***ing kidding me?” And can’t you see Lakeith Stanfield saying that??
Conclusion
This is gonna be the worst movie of all time. If you wanna watch a good movie, check out Scott Pilgrim v. the World, now streaming on Happy Medium Club dot com. (This is a lie).
My mom’s vast work history
”I just like to do whatever I want.”
Dom Johnson
Here’s a shortlist of every job Jo Ann Johnson (my mother) has ever had. Or at least the ones she can remember.
Window Decorator
When she lived in New Orleans, she decorated windows on Bourbon Street for stores like Macy’s and Godchaux’s.
“I made flower arrangements, styled mannequins for little dress shops, stuff like that.”
Farmer’s Market
She ran a farmer’s market for a season in Homer, Louisiana when she was in high school.
“It was just me and the county agent. He stopped by every once in a while.”
Chicken Plant
She worked at a chicken plant in Arcadia, Louisiana, alongside several of her classmates—most of them lied about their age to get the job. 😉
“My job was cutting off livers. I cut off the tip of my finger once, but it grew back. Did you know the tips of your fingers can grow back?”
Louisiana Tech Library
She worked at the Louisiana Tech library while she was in college.
“I just did library things.”
Flea Market
She set up a shop at the flea market on the weekends.
“Flower arrangements. Silk trees. I pretty much did whatever I wanted. Sometimes, as soon as I’d pop my trunk, people would walk up and start buying things. We’d sell out before we could even set up.”
Jo’s Things
She opened a shop in the Irving Mall called Jo’s Things.
“One of my customers was Paul and John Crouch— I made 20-something silk trees that were featured on TBN. I also made those big old things kids wear at homecoming. Mums.”
Store Manager & Boutique Merchandiser
She ran a New York and Company in the Irving Mall.
“Yeah.”
Stay-at-home mom
She home-schooled for a few years.
“After that, I decided to stay home because I was pregnant with Donnie. Then you came along.” (She rolls her eyes).
UPS
Now she’s at UPS. She’s been there since 1993 — working as a customer counter clerk, an HR admin, a recruiter, a driver trainer, and now she does safety stuff. She likes it so much she recruited most of her kids to work their too (including me lol).
“And I've been doing that ever since.”
Honorable Mentions: She has nine kids, wrote a book, and moonlights/daylights as The Planterizer.
My mom’s vast work history surprised me (especially her stint at the chicken processing plant). When I asked her why I’ve never heard most of these stories, she said: “You never asked.”
Iyanu Reeves? More like Iyanu Reads: “An Olive Grove in Ends” by Moses McKenzie
Iyanu Reeves
In 2024, we’re doing things outside of our comfort zone. For me, that means letting people know I can read. So, without further ado, my first book review: “An Olive Grove in Ends” by Moses McKenzie.
“An Olive Grove in Ends” follows Sayon Hughes, a young man trying desperately to make it out of his neighborhood in Bristol, England, and into a better life for himself and his girlfriend, Shona.
After high school, Sayon turns to drug dealing to make a living. For a while, he does well for himself. But just when he’s saved almost enough money to buy a house in a wealthy neighborhood, he faces an altercation with a rival drug dealer that turns deadly. Now, being blackmailed, Sayon is left to choose between Shona, making it out the ends, and his family. All the while, his story progresses against the backdrop of his rapidly gentrifying neighborhood.
Moses McKenzie’s writing is captivating. Driven by a cast of compelling characters, the novel navigates race, religion, and gentrification surprisingly and innovatively.
Would I say the book is perfect? No, but for a debut novel at the age of 23…it’s not half bad. The characters stayed on my mind long after I put the book down.
This book might be for you if: you liked watching Top Boy (Netflix series). Maybe it’s because they both feature British drug dealers, but this book felt like I was immersing myself in an episode of Top Boy.
This book may not be for you if: You don’t like reading unfamiliar slang.
McKenzie weaves patois and British slang into the dialogue, often with no “interpretation.” While I see how this can be off-putting for some readers, I personally had no problem with it—but I love those pip pip cheerio people.
My Rating: 4 out of 5 stars (honestly maybe 3.98 stars)
I think the ending fell flat at points. Sure, many of the book’s final moments were beautiful. But overall, the ending felt rushed, and it just didn’t do it for me.
Aside from that, Sayon’s journey is spellbinding. You watch him grow up, face rejection, and find love in many different forms. You witness his struggle with faith—or lack thereof. And most importantly, you get to understand this young man as he comes to terms with his decisions and ultimately takes some form of accountability for them.
McKenzie’s writing has you rooting for Sayon even in the most incomprehensible situations.
Want a second opinion?
Here’s a solid review from Colin Grant at the Guardian. Or check it on Goodreads!
HAPPY BITS
Disillusioned by the explosive growth of generative AI??? So is Goody 2…a chatbot that says “no” to every request. “There is no line it won’t not cross.”
And the winner of this year’s Dance Your Ph.D. Contest is … “Kangaroo Time” a four-minute music video about kangaroo behavior (you are not ready for this).
X-Men ‘97 (a revival of the classic 90s cartoon) hasn’t even aired yet and it’s already doing iconic things for the culture…like making annoying people mad.
That’s it!
Seeya later, haters. Be cool. 😎
Rly enjoyed this. Post the link to mug man’s IG