Hi, Martians! Today, we’re talking about gumbo, plants, holiday mischief, shopping malls, outfits, and other stuff.
And we whipped up a Spotify Playlist (inspired by gumbo, plants, holiday mischief, shopping malls, and other stuff). Check out HMC: Volume 8 on Spotify.
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Find us at @HappyMediumClub. We post stuff that is good for your brain (probably). And some stuff that is probably bad for your brain, too.
Shopping at the mall over Thanksgiving Break w/ Joel
By Joel
Over the Thanksgiving break, I did some shopping and stayed within my budget (that I kept making bigger in order to stay within). I shopped at a few stores that we don’t have in Tulsa, and it was so much fun.
The first one was Abercrombie and Fitch, which is back if you haven’t heard.
Anyways, I’ve been wanting a cardigan for a little while because I enjoy being trendy.
We went to the Galleria mall in Dallas (kinda nice), and I shuffled through most of the clothes until I found the cardigan you probably see on your Instagram ads! Picture below! I felt so cool.
It feels nice, and I like the low-key contrast between the two colors.
Wore it to Thanksgiving dinner and might’ve sent Dom a buzzed video where I showed him the whole outfit.
Very proud of my mass-produced cardigan!
The second store was Uniqlo in the Concord Mall in Los Angeles.
I was definitely expecting something like the two-story Uniqlo I experienced in Hawaii. I got a much smaller version. Still, I was impressed! Uniqlo has such good quality garments for your basic needs.
I managed to find a heavy boxy long-sleeve tee! It’s so thick, it’s almost a light crew neck!
And then I found me some baggy-ass pants for 20 bucks (on sale). Wore that fit to the airport with my even baggier essentials hoodie. I felt like I should go skate at the mall. Very cool.
In Defense of Spreading Holiday Cheer Fear
Low-stakes ways to feed your inner villain during the happiest time of the year
By Happy Medium Club’s resident Scorpio, Samirah
Before you @me, you should know that I actually love the holidays.
I thrive in busy, high-stress seasons of life, and usually appreciate the chaos that inevitably comes from spending too much quality time with family and friends. But here’s what I do hate about the holidays: the cultural obsession with being “nice.”
This time of the year and the expectations that come with it are difficult for me for many reasons.
a) mental illness
b) stress-induced tension in my interpersonal relationships (a byproduct of your mental illness)
c) resulting feelings of self-hate that I usually can’t shake until a priest draws those little black ash marks on my forehead (iykyk)
Don’t worry—I’m fine!
I’m not a mean person. Neither year-round nor seasonally. I just personally find it hard to be nice all the time. I can’t possibly be the only one, right?
I feel like that’s a totally fine thing to admit about yourself?
It’s hard for me to choose niceness all day, every day, even during the happiest time of the year. It’s emotionally draining for me to continuously swallow my feelings, mince words, and pretend that the things happening in my head don’t somehow affect my mood and how I interact with the people around me.
All that to say, after many years of practice, I’ve fine-tuned a very emotionally immature way to help myself survive this time of year the best I can.
You can call it being a Scrooge or a Grinch, or maybe just a capital “B” (put some respect on it!) B*tch. I like to think of it more like microdosing meanness. It’s a tried-and-true (by me only) method, totally not backed by science. It’s a way of helping me cope with the pressure to be endlessly kind during the holidays.
Like microdosing herbs, psychedelics, or prescription medications, the idea is that low doses of unkindness help boost my overall mood and promote emotional balance. In layman’s terms, I just sprinkly dinkly a little bit of meanie weenie here and there.
Before I pass along my wisdom to you, let me again reinforce that this method is not backed by scientists, doctors, or blessed by any sort of mental health expert.
Nonetheless, here are four easy ways to microdose meanness during the holidays.
These tactics (probably!) won’t get you disinvited from Christmas dinner next year. Good luck!
1. Get Drunk & Say Mean Sh*T
Let’s start with the simplest one that even the most genuinely nice person can easily execute. Actually, this one works best the nicer you are! I’ll caveat that this one actually does NOT work if you are either a) too mean or b) too frequently drunk.
All you have to do is have a little bit too much spiked dairy-free egg nog and then let ‘er rip. I like to add a playful little “just kidding” at the end to take the edge off for both yourself and the victim. This beautiful touch was inspired by my mother-in-law. Now, this isn’t a tactic you can overuse, but do feel free to dip your toe in with different groups and see how she feels!
2. Drive a Wedge
Not going to lie, this one takes a bit more scheming, so it’s not for the faint of heart. However, it does do double duty for those of us with certain compulsions by occupying more mind space. This one is especially for those of us who tire of caving on our own plans for the holidays in order to appease others. Have a controlling family member who is never happy unless things happen exactly the way they want? Let’s take them the f*ck down.
Say your mother insists on hosting your family’s Christmas morning brunch at her house year after year, even though all of her children are adults and live in separate homes. You’re tired of waking up early and being forced to wear your old Church clothes— just to only be assigned to bring orange juice for the mimosas.
I’d take a simple 4-step approach.
First, agree graciously.
Second, assume you’re not the only one who is pissed. Start by talking shit to your sister with a new baby. Chances are she agrees, so there’s your first opportunity to plant the seed of resentment.
Then move to the next household. Tell your three adorable young nieces that Santa has been holding back on their gifts because they don’t know where grandma lives, so they’ll cause enough chaos to sufficiently stress your sister and brother-in-law.
All you have to do now is sit back and enjoy the show. Depending on how your family deals with emotion, it will either be a shouting match or a cold war. Either way, call yourself T Swift because you are a friggin Mastermind.
3. Pick a Punching Bag
Ideally, you’re punching up, but that’s not always possible.
But you can make a deal with a good, understanding friend who takes it like a champ. I’m not saying my friend Dom is a punching bag, but he wants to be! Dom likes the attention. Do I sometimes exploit it? Probably, but I do my best not to.
And in all seriousness, Dom’s ability to be a sturdy, yet vulnerable friend who isn’t afraid of my many emotions is incredibly valuable to me. I call this person a punching bag only for the sake of this article, but as described, it’s obviously not a fair position to put your friends in. However, the idea (the hope) is that this person is willing to look past some of your holiday misfires and give you a safe space to display your hostility.
Like with any of these, don’t overdo it, and don’t take it for granted. At a minimum, buy your punching bag a Starbucks gift card or a pack of Shiner Cheer for their efforts.
4. Say Nothing At All
Just get drunk and go to bed early. To cause maximum chaos, be asleep during key moments. Family game night, last leg of the White Elephant exchange, family photos. You get the idea— be strategic. The best part about this one, for the attention whores, is that people will constantly be asking about you and wondering where you are. Let them talk.
Happy Christmas, Grinchie Winchies!
Farmer Brown’s Gumbo
By Dom
Farmer Brown—AKA my dad—and I sat down in my mom’s greenhouse for a discussion about how to make the perfect pot of gumbo. Here’s what he had to say.
“Gumbo is a melting pot of flavors. You might add chicken. You might add sausage, shrimp, or crab. Some people put oysters in it. The roux brings it all together. You can taste it.
Just like in an orchestra, you can hear all the different sounds. The flute, the clarinet, the drums, the symbols, the trumpets, the strings. You can hear all the instruments. But it makes one beautiful sound. And that's what gumbo is.”
He takes gumbo seriously.
Don “Farmer Brown” Johnson learned how to cook gumbo almost 40 years ago. Growing up on the West Bank of New Orleans, gumbo has been a staple of his life for as long as he can remember.
“It starts at the beginning, with the roux.”
“The bayou was in my backyard, and my front yard was the Mississippi River,” he said. “We lived off seafood.”
First, he watched over his mother’s shoulder as she brewed countless pots of gumbo. His mother, Evelyn, learned the recipe from her mother, who learned it from her mother.
He made his first pot of gumbo on Christmas Morning in 1983—just under 40 years ago— with guidance from his Uncle Milton. It was a hit. He hasn’t looked back since.
The Johnson Family Gumbo recipe isn’t even a family recipe, really. It’s the same recipe used in countless homes across New Orleans. You can find dozens like it with a quick Google search.
What you cannot find via a Google search is Farmer Brown’s philosophy on gumbo as an art form. Unless, of course, Google leads you to this article.
Anyways, I know several of you millennials are looking for a bulleted recipe, and you don’t want to hear about anyone’s backstory. I get that.
Bookmark this page because you’ll need to come back and read the rest of the article when you try the recipe and your gumbo falls flat because you didn’t take the extra time to learn from Farmer Brown.
How to make cajun sea-food gumbo:
Ingredients (including but not limited to):
Flour
Vegetable oil
The trinity (bell pepper, onion, celery)
Almost every spice in your cabinet (Old Bay Seasoning, Louisiana Seasoning, Zatarain’s, Tony’s Chachere’s, garlic powder, oregano, garlic powder, cayenne pepper, thyme, Filé powder [ground sassafras], salt, pepper.
Fresh shrimp
Fresh blue crab
Smoked sausage
Okra
Instructions (including but not limited to):
To make your roux, mix two parts cooking oil and one part flour into a big pot until it’s the consistency of clay and the color of the Mississippi River.
Meanwhile, peel and devein the crab and shrimp. Drop the shells into a pot of boiling water. Mix in your seasonings. This will serve as your stock.
Meanwhile, saute the trinity in a lightly oiled frying pan.
When the roux reaches the right consistency and color, add the Trinity. Stir it up.
Mix in a little more stock. Add the seafood.
Let it cook a bit.
Add your okra last to preserve the crunch. Reference the okra section below for some additional tips.
Don’t skimp on the seasoning. Taste as you go. Clean as you go. Take your time. Delegate tasks. Have fun. Pay attention. When it’s ready, serve it over rice.
That’s the gist of the recipe. Now, let’s examine the core elements of gumbo.
The Roux
Think of the roux (pronounced “roo”) as the base or the foundation of your gumbo. It’s easily—by far—the most important ingredient.
Gumbo is essentially a giant pot of stuff with a complex batch of flavor profiles. It’s the roux’s job to tie everything together. If you get the roux right, everything else will fall into place. The converse is true as well.
Farmer Brown stirs the roux until the color of the Mississippi River.
“Seeing the river every day when I was my child, that’s the color I go to.”
He’s big on symbolism.
He visualizes the roux as a bass player in a jazz band. At first, you might not hear him plucking away at his strings, but if you listen closely, you’ll notice he’s keeping the saxophone (shrimp), trumpet (sausage), and even the drums (okra) on rhythm. He’s in charge.
“If you don’t get the roux right, it doesn’t matter what you put in after, it’s not going to be right,” he said. “If the roux is too dark, the gumbo will be bitter. If the roux is too watery, you won’t get the kick. It’s a fine balance.”
If perfecting your roux feels daunting, that’s a good sign. You’re taking Farmer Brown seriously. But don’t worry.
“There are shortcuts,” he said. “In today’s world, you can get gumbo roux in a jar. I don’t particularly care for that.”
That’s my dad’s polite way of telling you to leave the jar on the shelf.
Alternatively, he recommends a gumbo base from Zatarain’s or Louisana as a good substation.
The Trinity
“The main ingredient after your roux is what we call the trinity,” Farmer Brown said. “Just about every creole or cajun dish uses the trinity. Onions, bell peppers, and celery.”
“You know you’re in a cajun or creole kitchen if you can smell the Trinity.”
I have a healthy mix of good and dreadful memories of chopping celery for hours (not exaggerating) on Christmas Eve.
I’m famously overly sentimental, and I love to romanticize my quiet life. So, I got a little throat lump when I learned midnight celery-chopping ritual was a connective tissue to my dad’s history.
Spices
If you made your roux from scratch, you’ll need to layer in additional spices and seasonings. The gumbo base from Louisiana and Zatarain’s come pre-seasoned—but definitely tweak it to your liking.
Do not skimp on the seasoning. Do not do it.
Once you mix in the trinity, grab basically every spice you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Check out the list in the bulleted recipe at the top of this article for guidance.
Don’t leave out the Filé powder, comprised of ground sassafras leaves. It’ll add a layer of sweetness and thicken the texture.
A few other staples: Old Bay Seasoning. Tony’s Chachere’s. Slap Ya Mama Seasoning (but please don’t ever slap your mom or anyone’s mom or anybody ever).
Fresh Blue Crab & Gulf Shrimp
Fresh crab and shrimp rank at the top of Farmer Brown’s list of favorite ingredients.
“Not farm-fresh. Gulf shrimp. Nothing against farm shrimp. But I grew up on the gulf.”
After you wash and peel them, you can use the empty shells for your stock— just mix them into a pot of boiling water and add Old Bay seasoning.
Okra
Okra requires your undivided attention. If you’re not going to do it right, leave it out altogether.
First, get rid of the slime, which carries a bitter taste and unsettling consistency. Gently cook your okra on a lightly oiled frying pan. Cook it low and slow. The heat will draw out the slime.
This isn’t a multitasking job. Okra is delicate. If you overcook it, you’ll lose the crunch. If you stir it too vigorously, you’ll ruin its form. Cook it just right, and you’re left with the most photogenic ingredient of your gumbo ensemble.
“When you pull up that spoon, and you get the shrimp, maybe a piece of sausage, and a piece of okra—all that together just has a beautiful flavor,” Farmer Brown said.
Time
Now you just wait a few hours. When it’s ready, serve it over rice.
Q&A With Farmer Brown
What are some of the most rewarding experiences that come from cooking gumbo?
It's most enjoyable when the whole family helps. There are so many different stages.
Yeah, it’s given us a lot of great memories.
Yes, beautiful memories. There are certain times I'm eating gumbo I prepared, and I think, ‘wow, this gumbo tastes just like my Auntie Alice’s gumbo.’ Or—‘this gumbo tastes like my mother’s gumbo.”
In your spare time, you also tend to a vegetable garden every few seasons. Is there any overlap between your passion for farming and gumbo?
Yes. The hardest part of the gumbo—and there are shortcuts—but the hardest part of the gumbo is the roux. Making the roux is like cultivating the ground. There's not really glamor there. But the roux is the glue that holds it all together. When you’re out there pulling the weeds and digging and cultivating and getting dirty, there's no real glamor in that either.
Yeah, it’s not fun.
“But a farmer knows what’s coming. Of course, a farmer’s satisfaction may come 90 days later. But with gumbo, the satisfaction is only gonna take a few hours. Then you can enjoy the fruit of your labor. But both gardening and cooking gumbo brings everlasting satisfaction.”
This might be kind of a stretch—but gumbo sounds like a great tool for practicing mindfulness. If you're feeling stressed or anxious, one of the most beneficial things you can do is find ways to ground yourself in your five senses. Or remind yourself of things that make you grateful. It seems like making a pot of gumbo does all of these things.
Yes, that’s right. A lot of creole and cajun cooking is very therapeutic because it brings people together.
And it truly engages all of your senses.
The whole thing about gumbo—it's a family affair. Someone is chopping celery, someone is cleaning the seafood, someone is chopping up the sausage, someone is chopping up the onions. It’s a family affair.
We all took part in making this gumbo.
###
The Planterizer: Part 2
By Dom
Earlier this year, we met the Planterizer. She exists at the intersection of Ms. Frizzle, Tina Knowles, Matt Damon’s character in “The Martian,” mother nature, and Oprah.
Lately, she’s been in her lab (greenhouse), defying the laws of space, time, and soil.
I asked her for some beginner-level guidance I could share with novice gardeners or aspiring Planterizers. She ignored the prompt. Things got scientific.
Updates from the Planterizer’s She Shed:
Any interesting updates from your garden?
Mostly, my half-moon variegated monstera. It was trying to revert. It gave me a whole white leaf. White leaves can’t photosynthesize.
What does that—
Oh and another one of my plants had thrips— which is the worst kind of bug you can have. I brought it to my plant hospital (the bathroom shower). That did the trick! I got rid of the thrips, and now it’s thriving.
What’s a thrip?
It’s just a little ugly bug.
Aeroponics, Hydroponics, and Regular-Degular Propagating
Have you picked up any new planterizing skills recently?
I recently started learning how to use aeroponics to root stems.
Can you explain aeroponics?
It’s a form of propagation that occurs when you take a node and put it in an oxygenated water system, along with some root stimulator. It creates roots. That’s it. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Can you explain what nodes are?
A node is a piece of the stem that has inactivated places for new stems to emerge. You knew that, right?
Ohhh. Yeah, I knew that. I just needed to hear it again.
(Note for the reader: I lied. I had no clue what she was talking about, and I still kind of don’t know.)
Nodes usually activate themselves when you chop a plant but some nodes don’t ever activate. You can put something called kiki paste on inactivated nodes if you really want to help your plant sprout and branch out. Or you can cut off the piece with the node, and now you have a whole new plant! I don't know how else to explain it.
You really like propagating monsteras, right? What draws you to them?
Monsterras are great candidates for cuttings because you can see their nodes clearly. But they’re finicky and can get root rot pretty easily, so I don’t like putting them in water.
What’s the difference between aeroponics and hydroponics?
Hydroponics is in the water. Aeroponics is in the air.1
So, you’re growing a plant out of thin air, basically.
With help. The water is moisturizing it.
You use aeroponics instead of hydroponics if you want to avoid root rot.
So, with aeroponics, your chance of root rot is pretty slim. With aeroponics, the risk is a little higher. And growing plants in solid, traditionally, presents the highest risk of root rot. Is that right?
Yes! With aeroponics, your chance of root rot is about 70 percent less.
Got it. What is root rot?
It’s a bacteria that gets in your dirt if it’s been sitting in water for too long. It eats the root and the stems away, preventing the plant from getting any nutrients.
How do you get rid of root rot?
You have to take the plant out of the soil and cut away the affected roots. Clean your hands as you go. Use 90% alcohol. Root rot grows like crazy. If you have bacteria on your hand, it will spread.
Other than making sure your plants have proper drainage, is there anything you can do to prevent root rot?
Yeah, my watering mixture has seven key solutions.
Azos: live bacteria that are activated upon contact with water.
CalMag: A mixture of calcium and magnesium.
SensiGrow Part A&B. A mix of nitrogen, potassium, and phosphorous. Part A 3-0-0. Part B is a 1-2-6. And when you put them together, you have 426. It’s the perfect environment for soilless plants to thrive.
Tribus: I also have something called trivus. It’s also a live bacteria.
Micro-spring: A fungus that kills bacteria.
Okay, so botany.
Huh?
Literally, this is literal botany science chemistry.
Which your mother hates, you know.
No.
Yes, I do.
You think you do! You literally just took me on a science lesson.
If you’re growing monsteras or any expensive plant, you want to get a cocoa perlite mix. You don’t want to put them in dirt. 70% coco, 30% perlite. It looks just like dirt, but it retains water in itself, only keeping what it needs. With this mixture, the odds of getting root rot are slim.
So what’s next? Any plants on your wish list?
A monstera obliqua and variegated billietiae. They’re thousands of dollars. Each.
What plant are you most like?
Absolutely, a variegated monstera. They’re all mixed up. You don’t know what “race” they are. They can be strong. They can be particular. You just love them. And you can’t do without them.
Even though they might get on your nerves sometimes.
Incredible. And what about Dad? Farmer Brown?
He’s a fiddleleaf fig. Strong, but soft. It’s got the shade. It’s got the protection you need. You can go hide in a fiddle.
If somebody told me I had to get rid of all my plants and I could only keep one, it would be that fiddle.
And, it multiplies. Like Dad with all these kids.
Happy Bits
We like Instagram Notes because we like chaos.
While you’re hanging around Substack, you should check out
. She's one of the best culture and entertainment writers in the Milky Way. And she's funny on Twitter.Team Daphne! Team Meghann Fahy! Love an unbothered queen. Love an incredible actress.
Shout out to Zeal Clothing. Their stuff is cool Joel likes their hoodies.
The latest episode of I’ve Been Meaning to Listen to That (reviewing Carly Rae Jepsen’s The Loneliest Time) is great, even though it contains several unprompted and wrong takes about Taylor Alison Swift.
Thanks!
Until next time :)
In the nicest way possible, the Planterizer looked at me like I was the dumbest person alive.